We have to smile now
my little boy-embolism, my taste of Saturday
my tooth ache, my Poor Baby
sit down, the companies talking, one of those days
shush yourself, don’t think, we have to smile now
"hafta" sat-still
my little boy-embolism, my little shrink-goat
my little purple and enamoured
my little orange and ferocious
my dearheart, my dropdead
my toadstool & my Thanksgiving
my funeral your hearse, your black cup of coffee
your undone personality, come unto me a victim
we have to smile now
And I’ve only learned from the best, I only had to sat-still once for this to sink in, that if he loves you he’ll rape you and it’s in your best interest, the love I give you is damaged like my body, my oranges fade into yellows, my open sink becomes your washdrain and my eyelids contain dams of cumin seeds
and this damn rain does not seem to stop falling
and my toy soldier, my mountain climber, my private and rehearsed, the birthday cake you blew on, your insolent childhoods, the daughter of my father’s eye, the man who said “goddess” to every woman in every adult film, the plaything from your secrets, open and confused you cry out “cannons” my friend recently told me you hurt them bad & fast or bad & slow
I am the drawnout Queen of Questioning the Emperor of Bad Feelings the Gatekeeper of Dreams That Never Happen the pusher of Forced Intimacy
my art says “love me”
my writing says “now love me more”
and my music is named “I am unloved”
and every raindrop that pursues me is burned straight off the face of the earth I think it is funny that we are dead and we still love.
Chelsea Jones is a musician and artist living in Kingsburg, California. She is a recent graduate of University of California, Santa Cruz with a degree in french horn performance and electronic music. Her work is upcoming in Noctua Review. She has been previously published in Abridged Magazine, Red Wheelbarrow Magazine, Chinquapin Magazine, Peel Magazine, and Gaia Magazine. More of her work can be found at chelseaejones.tumblr.com.
